Thinking of and Remembering My Friend John Giordano...

I have had the good fortune to meet many extraordinary people over the years. One of these individuals was John Giordano. I met John while I was working at the Rockwell Employee's Recreation Center as a Personal Trainer. An avid outdoor athlete he often included running as part of his workouts. He would meet up with others to run over his noon hour and the bond he and many of his fellow runners shared was a joy to observe. Closing my eyes I can still remember his running style best described as "unique".

John was a senior technical writer for Rockwell International and we often discussed the "politics of the day". He always took the time to thank me for editing and putting together the local running club newsletter for he knew such a position is often a thankless position.

In 1998 he gave me the cartoon below. We had often discussed the "win at all costs" mind-set curiously juxtaposed with the feeble-mindness of the "everyone is a winner" mind-set that was infecting our country. On the post-it note he attached he suggested I pin it up on a bulletin board. I asked the management but was told it was inappropriate.
(Clicking on the cartoon will enlarge the image for easier reading)

In 1999 I moved to The Big Island of Hawai'i to attend massage school. John and I stayed in touch and he told me he was coming to the islands in the spring of 2000 for a family vacation. Having bagged several of the "Fourteeners" in Colorado he was looking forward to hiking the trails of Oahu.

One morning I opened the West Hawaii Today and read that a hiker from Iowa had died in a fall on Oahu. My heart fell as I read his name.

John was a husband, father, pilot, runner and friend to many. He was an influence to me. Thanks John. It's difficult to believe it's been 10 years...

CJ

The Furry News

Thirteen years ago a group of us would meet at a park on the northeast side of town on Sunday mornings to ride long. On this particular day the group of six or so included Kevin Drake, a gifted and talented triathlete at all distances from the sprint to ultras, (placing second in the 1996 Double Iron in Huntsville), some other triathletes and myself.

As we rode north and out of town we met up with another local triathlete. This particular individual was always pissed off at the world and there was a rabid rivalry that teetered on hatred between him and another member of our group that morning. It was way more than "bad blood". He joined our paceline.

At the first hill going out of town the recent addition (let's call him Scott One) to our group came to the front of the paceline. It is protocol in a paceline that when one is at the front one does not "jam the foot down on the pedal and give her more gas". However this is just what happened. The paceline stretched like a rubberband and we closed the gaps and regrouped. Unfortunately the next rider in the rotation was "Scott One"'s opponent. (Let's call him Scott Two) Scott Two did the exact same thing as Scott One, stepping on the gas, stretching and distorting the paceline and making the rest of us wonder what the hell was going on.

This "squirrel tossing" went on for about 25 miles. Finally Kevin Drake turned to me and said he had had "enough of this". Kevin could have easily simply schooled both of them but that was not what we were out there for. As we watched them ride off into the distance, beating the "scott" out of each other the rest of us had a day of fitness.

The next day I asked Scott One what was going on. He said when he saw Scott Two he wanted to see "what that f#*k#r had him him". The piece, The Furry News was born of that day. (The original piece was made on old Apple, the image of the squirrel was cut from a paper and pasted mechanically as was the name of my company, then copied and mailed out via US mail.)

(Click on the image to adjust the size for easier viewing)

BLAST OFF the Winter Fat Diet

This diet is perfect for shedding that excess weight that has been hanging on all winter. Catabolic in nature and flawed in design, this diet will provide you with results. Not necessarily the results one would want but results never the less – or more!

Preparation: Go into the yard and scoop up as much snow as you can into a Rubbermaid container. You will want to stay on this diet as long as possible so collect as much snow as you can. Ditches along the higway will hold snow for a long time. Avoid the yellow stuff unless you like a little “wang” on your food.

Breakfast
1 cup of snow
1 red grape
1 baby carrot
5 big gulps of air

Lunch
1 cup of snow, “wang” optional
1 green grape rolled around in an empty tuna can for flavor and protein
1 leaf of iceberg lettuce
10 big gulps of air

Dinner
2 cups of snow, with or without “wang”
1 green grape
1 brussel sprout
1 baby carrot
400 big gulps of air

The snow consumption provides a thermic effect to your advantage by causing the body to use calories to melt the snow in your stomach. The final meal causes you to hyperventilate and pass out – then you don’t notice how hungry you are.

Best results are achieved by doing at least 2 hours of cardio every day regardless of common sense. You will achieve that really ripped up look by adding at least 2 hours of high intensity weight training every day as well.

Now get out there and SCOOP SNOW like there’s no January!!!!

Ask the Coach...

Dear Coach,
I am in serious training for the half-ironman here in Iowa in late August. I’ve been having some problems with my Achilles tendon and was wondering what you would suggest I do.
Sincerely,
‘Serious Trainer’

Dear Serious Trainer,
Here’s what I suggest: Get out there and train hard! In all three sports! And add a fourth. Achilles tendon problems rarely amount to anything like plantar fascitis, complete ruptures of the sheath or other painful and dehabilitating problems. So ignore the pain and the fact you can’t walk right and suck it up wimp. (You didn’t say what your gender was but I assume it is female because a real man would never complain about something so trivial as dysfunction of the Achilles tendon!)

Common sense suggests you maybe take some time off from running and cycling but screw common sense. In addition to your regular workouts get into the weight room for some serious calf raises. You want to go AS HEAVY as you possibly can, in fact I suggest doing the stack on every piece of calf equipment plus get the biggest guy in the gym to stand on top of the weight stack for added resistance.

After your weight workout you’ll need to do some cardio so you should run on a treadmill at the highest grade possible for at least one hour as fast as you can run. This will really stretch the muscles out and make them feel “alive”. Especially when the Achilles tendon lets loose and your gastrocnemius muscle writhes around your knee like a ball of snakes. If the run didn’t finish off your Achilles tendon then go out for a bike ride. Ride an impossibly high gear so your RPM’s are NO HIGHER than 60. (Remember: Guys with really strong legs can’t spin) Make sure you press your heels down as you ride. Try to scrape the ground with your heels. You may have the tendency to want to lift your heels due to the shortened calf muscles and adhesions in the tendon sheath; you must fight this at all costs!

You will find with the additional time spent in the weight room you are not going to have time to stretch. Don’t worry about stretching! Stretching is for those losers who like to walk easily and without pain. You workout hard and you want it to show. So what if you walk like an old lady, you’re a triathlete, right? Screw stretching!

Some people say what about ice treatments? Ice is for gin and tonics and to keep beer cold when you are fishing. The time spent doing two or three 15-minute ice sessions would be better spent getting in more training miles. Besides that’s what anti-inflammatories are for. So what they wreck your liver, kidneys and eat holes in your stomach! That’s why dialysis and organ transplants were invented. And training in the heat and humidity in July and August will increase the risk of side effects associated with anti-inflammatory use so eat them like candy.

Should you consider massage therapy treatments? Nah. Keep in mind massage is for rich people who have nothing better to do with their money. You need your money to buy the latest editorial rehash in some triathlon rag.

In a nutshell don’t take any time off from training, in fact you need to train harder, don’t do the RICE treatment and mask your symptoms and pain with drugs. Imagine how good you will look in the cast they will put on your leg after your ruptured Achilles tendon is repaired. Cool thing is you can get your friends to sign it after they cross the finish line at the half-ironman.

Ask the Dirty Dancing Personal Trainer...

Dear Dirty Dancing Personal Trainer,
My wife and I are going away for a cruise and we would like to tone the backs of our arms up. How do we do it?
Sincerely, The Flappers

Dear Flappers,

I am so glad you asked the Dirty Dancing Personal Trainer! Many people don’t know this but male triceps and female triceps are worked differently even though the anatomical construction is the same.

The correct name for the triceps is the triceps brachii. The triceps brachii has three heads, the long, lateral, and medial heads with three separate origins and one common insertion. Their action is extension of the forearm and arm. (Remember in most movements extension is the increase of the angle of a joint while flexion is the decrease of the angle of a joint.) These statements are true for both men and women but the similarity ends there!

While there are many ways to work the heads of the triceps space prevents me from addressing them all. So we’ll look at two tricep movements.

Tricep pressdowns are a common tricep exercise. Often you will see some poor misguided soul standing in front of a weight stack, keeping the spine in its’ natural alignment, elbows close to and slightly ahead of the body and paying attention to the concentric and eccentric contractions of the muscle and actually extending the triceps. What a loser!

For men the key is to select an impossibly heavy weight and drive the stack up by bringing the trunk into forward flexion, the shoulders into ADduction and then let the weight fall down totally out of control so the handle hits you in the chin. Scars make you look tough!

For the ladies the first thing is to stand with your butt sticking out. This is best achieved by bringing the trunk into forward flexion at the hips. Right from the get-go your Dirty Dancing Personal Trainer will be right “behind” you to spot you through the set. This is the difference between men and women when working with the Dirty Dancing Personal Trainer. Men need me to say “You are HUGE” while women need me to work closely behind them with my special motivational and encouragement techniques.

My favorite tricep exercise is the French Press. (I love the French!) This is done on a bench laying supine on it. (many ladies get confused with the difference between supine and prone and your Dirty Dancing Personal Trainer would be glad to help you learn the difference!) But I digress…

Our aforementioned loser would take an E-Z curl bar and hold the bar with a pronated shoulder width grip. He then extends the arms so the bar is overhead and slowly bends the elbows so the bar travels to the forehead or nose. He would return the bar overhead to the starting point by extending the arms. The lowering of the bar (the eccentric contraction of the muscle), ideally would take about 4 seconds with the raising of the bar, (the concentric contraction), taking about 2 seconds. His CORE is stable, spine in the natural alignment and at NO time does his head bob, elbows flare out or body flap around on the bench like a carp on a riverbank.

Again I say: What a loser!!! Let those arms flare out, bring the teres into the motion, arch your back and for crying out loud never engage the muscles in a full contraction! And let me remind you another name for this exercise is “nosebreakers” so never actually be in control of your weight because I don’t think I need to remind you that the ladies LIKE rugged features like a crooked nose on their men. Screw form! Form is for those who actually want to succeed!

The ladies need to do French Press or Nosebreakers differently. It’s too hard to explain here so you’ll need to make an appointment with me and we can talk over drinks some evening. You'll love the way I spot you for squats!

Now roll those shirtsleeves up and let's get to work!

Your exercise expert,

The Dirty Dancing Personal Trainer (DDPT)

Premier issue of Argon magazine now on shelves

Rarely do I get excited about fitness magazines - there are - like fad diets and Oprah approved exercise programs - so many to choose from - besides as a slave to fashion I'd rather spend my hard earned dollars on a new outfit for the gym! Don’t forget those outfits are available in plus sizes – much easier to buy big than exercise and eat smart – making sure that Lycra becomes a right, not a privilege!

This past week I ran across the premier issue of Argon magazine and it is awesome!

In it's first issue there are so many excellent articles that I would be writing ALL day if I had the time - but I don't because I need to get some cabbages for the new CABBAGE SOUP DIET so I can get cut up for my next show.

But here are some highlights...

Tempo, Form and Proper Execution for Weight Training Apparently I have been doing it all wrong and I am so glad to finally wake up and smell the ephedra! I have always instructed clients to pay attention to technique as I always felt this would pay off greater benefits in real life. Was I wrong! In an exclusive the Dirty Dancing Personal Trainer tells us that avoiding vertebral alignment and related nonsense will pay off BIG TIME, especially for those training for injuries! Guess I have muddled through those 27 iron distance finishes INJURY FREE on good looks and charm.

The Helium Diet Again a BIG EYE OPENER for me. I had always worked with diet clients by advising them to lose about 1 pound a week - anymore than that tends to get rid of muscle as well as fat - and to avoid diets that advise a caloric intake of less than 1200 calories a day. Was I wrong. The all new Helium Diet makes you lighter than air. Several gyms on the cutting edge of fitness attach helium filled balloons to their equipment so members can take hits off them while working out to speed weight loss! Apparently this will help you reach a new fitness apex especially at the end of the month!

Certified for Experience! In an education filled 8 hour day one can develop a background in any format taught in group fitness classes allowing the instructor to claim to bring the members of their classes an extensive background in their newly certified area! And once you are certified you are good to go for life! Politics and group fitness have their spin doctors!!! Rookie on Saturday, expert on Sunday morning! Did I mention it is not about technique, proper instruction and class format but making sure your hair looks good, your outfit is totally kicking and the bitchin’ baseball cap is perched jauntily on your head so no one worries that you don’t cue hand positions in a bike class or your bike is set up incorrectly. And if your lips are wet enough you can whistle really loud and draw attention away from the fact your form on the bike resembles a chicken bobbing up and down in a barnyard scratching for insects.

What To Look for When Joining a Gym Talk about three strikes and you are OUT!!! I always assumed a good gym would have well maintained equipment with competent staff. Send me to the showers! Apparently the real key to a good gym is smartly attired staff in matching uniforms and easy to read name tags showing members how to perform exercises incorrectly and group exercise classes filled to brim with happy members having fun, fun, fun and beaming with the knowledge that they are on their way to fitness nirvana. Or at least a free bagel the size of a hubcap on their way out the door, sideways... It also suggested AVOIDING AT ALL COSTS trainers who practice what they preach, tell you to lighten the weights to execute movements correctly and other such nonsense. It also emphasized how important it is to choose a gym with lots and lots of trainers so you can solicit as much free advice as you can so you can create a smorgasbord fitness plan that will lead you to your... WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!!! isn't smorgasbords where fat people eat - OH WAS THAT POLITICALLY INCORRECT, they are not fat people, they have a SLOW METABOLISM.

For subscription information contact Argon magazine at:

800 – 293 – 2274 (800-BYE-CASH) or www.argon/say.bye.to.your.cash.com

Quit Dumbing It Down!

Yesterday I was out for a ride with Crazy Pete and The Reverend. Rides with The Guilty Party are always good for my head. In discussing the recent broadcast of NBC's coverage of the Ironman World Championships and NBC's bile arousing coverage of "invited celebrity triathlete" Matt Hoover, Season Two winner of NBC's hit television show The Biggest Loser failure to cross the finish line in under the time limit of 17 hours making him...Matt Hoover, YOU ARE NOT AN IRONMAN! I offer the following piece...

Gunter glieben glauten globen...

Alright, I got something to say… Quit dumbing it down!

I recently ran across a “fitness challenge” that a health club was promoting for their members called the Ironman® Challenge. Apparently the members are be “challenged” to “complete” the distance covered in an Ironman® indoors, using a rowing machine to cover the 2.4 miles that is usually covered by swimming, the 112 miles are completed using a variety of indoor bicycles and the 26.2 miles can be run on a treadmill. And to further add insult AND offend all of us who have paid our dues to actually do an Ironman® or an iron distance race the participants are given a full 30 days to cover the distance required to “meet” this challenge, not the 17 hours that is the time allotted to be an official Ironman® finisher.

Enough!

I agree that not everyone needs to complete an Ironman® triathlon to be fit or healthy or a good person or whatever. But please let’s stop this damaging effect on our society known as self-esteem building through the use of “everyone who participates is a winner” and “false praise “ mentality.

In 2005 I did not finish Ironman® Wisconsin. As I was walking back from the 2 mile mark where I made the decision to drop I was still wearing my race number on the front of my singlet. The spectators kept cheering me on for as the run course of the race is an out and back course, they assumed I was merely finishing one of the legs of the run, heading back in. Out of respect to those who were completing the race I stopped, removed my number and walked in. I did not deserve their praise. For I was not an Ironman® that day. The race announcer does not say your name and you are a 116.2 mile triathlete when you cross the line – no they say your name and you are an Ironman® when you complete a 2.4 mile swim, a 112 mile bike and 26.2 mile run when you cross the line in under 17 hours. No more, no less.

This self esteem / false praise “everyone who participates is a winner” and :”average is a top score” mentality is killing our country. Ribbons to for up to a 10th place finish? Don’t laugh, it has been done. It’s hurting our schools. Those who achieve academically are often scorned – and now with The No Child Left Behind “educational philosophy” offered to us by our current administration those who are able to and wish to achieve academically are often overlooked, made prisoners of time, bored to tears of frustration or “challenged” to do an Ironman® indoors. It is time to stop the madness! (And for the record I voted for Bush)

When I taught group cycling I taught with a blend of sound motivational techniques, science and correct cycling technique. Once another instructor told me that “not everyone wants to be like you, C.J.” when I shared my frustration over the poor technique being taught in the bike classes. I walked away realizing that “good enough and false praise” was their approach to achievement. The philosopher Osho tells us that “average does not exist”, that “average” is simply a construction of mathematics. And I agree. I feel that the indoor Ironman® self esteem / false praise approach to life should not exist. For it, like this self esteem / false praise mentality infecting our country is an insult to those who realize average is a merely mathematical construct and wish to aspire to higher goals than an indoor Ironman®.

It’s time to rise up, gather round, burn it up, go for broke and watch this place go up in smoke… Rock on!